10 Rules For Not Appearing Like a Complete D!ck

The "dead fish" handshake is out.

The “dead fish” handshake is out.

I sit here impatiently waiting for another deadbeat not to show up for his interview. By now, 25 minutes have passed since the time set (in stone) for our face-to-face meeting, and even though the little jerk has my phone number, I have yet to receive a call saying, “I’m lost”, “I got another job”, “Go f*ck yourself”, or otherwise.

I have to be honest, one time when it was still legal to talk on your cell phone while driving, I was 10 minutes late for an interview. In my defence, I had to work another job that day which happened to be 2 hours away from the meeting point, and I called the interview organizer 30 minutes in advance to notify her of my impending tardiness. I got the job.

Here are 10 Written and Unwritten (until now) Rules For Not Appearing Like a Complete Dick to a potential employer:

1.) Shower & Groom Yourself
– Self-explanatory; I don’t want to smell your odours.

2.) Show Up On Time & Prepared
– Have a phone number or email address handy to contact me if something happens.
– Prepare some excuses ahead of time too. (See “My Dog Ate My Homework and Other Excuses”)

3.) Look Me In the Eye and Shake My Hand Like You Mean It
– I may be a woman, but I don’t appreciate the dead fish/wet noodle.
– You’re here proving to me that you can lift 50lbs on site and that I can trust you, not that you’re sensitive to my fragility.

4.) Don’t Be a Dumb Ass (Socially)
– Tell me your skills, relevant experience, and why you’re a good fit for our company.
– Don’t talk my ear off about your dog, wife, and how I remind you of someone you once knew.

5.) Don’t Be a Dumb Ass (Intellectually)
– You are an adult. Act like an adult.
– Show me you are capable of solving your own problems.

6.) Answer My Questions Like a Champ
– Be forthcoming and complete with your answers.
– “YEAH” is a song by Joe Nichols, and although it’s a good one, it’s not doing you any favours.

7.) Ask me Questions
– This will make you seem smart and will prevent unpleasant surprises once you start work.

8.) Don’t Ask For More Than What You’re Worth to Us
– The economy is slow which means the employer has the upper hand. We are searching for unskilled labourers to get shit done. I refuse to pay you $30 an hour because you’re an EMT; this is irrelevant to our line of business.
– I have a mother-f’ing degree and I get paid an administrative assistant hourly rate.
– And I’m sleeping with the boss.

9.) Thank Me For My Time
– I took the time to review your resume, call you and give you the opportunity to sell yourself to our company – give me some props here.

10.) Don’t Waste my Time
– If you’re not interested, tell me right away.
– I’m not your date and I won’t get offended that you don’t want to see me anymore, so don’t evade my calls for shit sake!

Show up for your first day of work and keep showing up. It’s long hours and hard work, but your pay cheque is going to reflect this apparent hell.

Now, get out there and make Lady Leisure proud!

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