10 Rules For Not Appearing Like a Complete D!ck

The "dead fish" handshake is out.

The “dead fish” handshake is out.

I sit here impatiently waiting for another deadbeat not to show up for his interview. By now, 25 minutes have passed since the time set (in stone) for our face-to-face meeting, and even though the little jerk has my phone number, I have yet to receive a call saying, “I’m lost”, “I got another job”, “Go f*ck yourself”, or otherwise.

I have to be honest, one time when it was still legal to talk on your cell phone while driving, I was 10 minutes late for an interview. In my defence, I had to work another job that day which happened to be 2 hours away from the meeting point, and I called the interview organizer 30 minutes in advance to notify her of my impending tardiness. I got the job.

Here are 10 Written and Unwritten (until now) Rules For Not Appearing Like a Complete Dick to a potential employer:

1.) Shower & Groom Yourself
– Self-explanatory; I don’t want to smell your odours.

2.) Show Up On Time & Prepared
– Have a phone number or email address handy to contact me if something happens.
– Prepare some excuses ahead of time too. (See “My Dog Ate My Homework and Other Excuses”)

3.) Look Me In the Eye and Shake My Hand Like You Mean It
– I may be a woman, but I don’t appreciate the dead fish/wet noodle.
– You’re here proving to me that you can lift 50lbs on site and that I can trust you, not that you’re sensitive to my fragility.

4.) Don’t Be a Dumb Ass (Socially)
– Tell me your skills, relevant experience, and why you’re a good fit for our company.
– Don’t talk my ear off about your dog, wife, and how I remind you of someone you once knew.

5.) Don’t Be a Dumb Ass (Intellectually)
– You are an adult. Act like an adult.
– Show me you are capable of solving your own problems.

6.) Answer My Questions Like a Champ
– Be forthcoming and complete with your answers.
– “YEAH” is a song by Joe Nichols, and although it’s a good one, it’s not doing you any favours.

7.) Ask me Questions
– This will make you seem smart and will prevent unpleasant surprises once you start work.

8.) Don’t Ask For More Than What You’re Worth to Us
– The economy is slow which means the employer has the upper hand. We are searching for unskilled labourers to get shit done. I refuse to pay you $30 an hour because you’re an EMT; this is irrelevant to our line of business.
– I have a mother-f’ing degree and I get paid an administrative assistant hourly rate.
– And I’m sleeping with the boss.

9.) Thank Me For My Time
– I took the time to review your resume, call you and give you the opportunity to sell yourself to our company – give me some props here.

10.) Don’t Waste my Time
– If you’re not interested, tell me right away.
– I’m not your date and I won’t get offended that you don’t want to see me anymore, so don’t evade my calls for shit sake!

Show up for your first day of work and keep showing up. It’s long hours and hard work, but your pay cheque is going to reflect this apparent hell.

Now, get out there and make Lady Leisure proud!

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My Kids Don’t Live Here – Part 2

Who can we thank for this?

Who can we thank for this?

When I first spotted the black spray paint on the unwanted sign in our neighbourhood, I momentarily felt sorry for the passive aggressive individuals who thought it necessary to spend their hard earned money on a sign that would only be doomed from the start. All I can say is we didn’t do it, but as mentioned in My Kids Don’t Live Here I believe this vandalism to be well-targeted. The criminal could have had more of an imagination although, a happy face is sort of rad. I say “person” because I believe this to be not the work of an angry youth, but the result of an adult pushed too far by the actions of others and the booze in their veins.

This leaves me wondering, “What are the next steps?”

The reaction of the sign owners was to turn the entire wooden structure around so that the happy face is smiling in the other direction – but this only showcases the artwork to more of the neighborhood.

The perpetrator(s) will only escalate and soon the signs will be beyond recognition or repair. The only logical solution will be to take down the signs that should never have been posted in the first place.

Perhaps a more appropriate (and less blinding) Alberta Transportation regulated sign will take their place.

Caution: Children Playing.”

It has a nice and less demanding ring, don’t you think?

Impulse Buys; Not DUI’s

Garage Sales: Trade your shit for cash.

Garage Sales: Trade your shit for cash.

Garage sale season is upon us and if this were the past couple of seasons, I would be PUMPED! Now the wedding is over and my house is full of absolute crap. It’s borderline hoarder crap, most of which I would be embarrassed to donate to the less fortunate. I want to turn it into a pot of gold just as much as the next guy, but you know what? That’s just not feasible.

If you’re wondering how many people actually sell their shit and make loads of moola, I estimate the rate to be approximately  +/- 0 out of 10. If you’re counting the hours of labour dedicated to pricing, cleaning, and counting, you’re looking at a net loss. Even if you recruit the neighbors’ kids to man the garage while you tan on the deck, you’re still out the cost of ice cream. And now you have to somehow attach a horn to a horse’s head because they were clever enough to know Unicorns do not exist, but were still convinced that Uni-horses thrive in our arid climate.

What I’m saying is: don’t waste your time unless you’re desperate. If you hear the voice of desperation knocking at your door, here’s how to exchange your crap for enough small coins to roll around in them. But everyone knows coins SOMEHOW have feces all over them, so please don’t forget your Purel.

1) Toss everything into the “sell” pile. People will buy ANYTHING if it is priced under $1.

2) Don’t bother with price tags. Let the customers believe they drive a hard bargain and out of guilt they will pay more for another item.

3) To draw more people to your sale, note “antique” or “rustic” items in your advertisement. You’re probably old enough that college text book is considered antique anyway.

4) Sell items as a “lot”. Pair up desirable items with less desirable ones and price the box based on the desirable item. Yes, you’re giving stuff away, but now it can junk up someone else’s house.

5) Serve booze – but only enough for impulse buys, not DUIs. The good news is you won’t be driving so you can drink as much as you desire.

The most important thing to remember is not to bet your first born’s college fund on the possibility that you’re actually going to have a successful sale.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a yard sale to prepare for because our garage smells like garbage and has a wasp infestation in the attic.

All Decked Out

My pretty new deck. (Now I don't have to get Jack to boost me into the house by my butt).

My pretty new deck. (Now I don’t have to get Jack to boost me into the house by my butt).

It took a week, a flat of beer, multiple trips to the hardware store, and a couple of bro-mance phone calls to my brother, but Jack has built us a new deck BY HIMSELF. I’m not sure if he can say it was completely a solo mission because I did fetch beer, cheese, pepperoni sticks, and sandwiches for my husband while he worked in the hot sun for hours on end. Being Lady Leisure, I often offered words of encouragement like, “what’s taking you so long?” and “that doesn’t look right”. I also candidly photographed his progress to share with all of you.

I made sure I took pictures of all the f-ups and Macguivers because this is just what I do.

Perhaps out of pity or in a drunken stupor my brother (who should be on the show “Brojects”) gave his official seal of approval on the deck. But there is a possibility that Jack did a good job and he should be upgraded to “Jack of ALL Trades”. Of course, I’m not ready for that.

It was around this point where he realized he couldn't rip 1" off a board, so he took to re-spacing ALL the boards.

It was around this point where Jack realized he couldn’t rip 1″ off a board, so he took to re-spacing ALL the boards.

Building a deck

Safety First! After much deliberation on whether the railing should be an innie or an outie, Jack finally decided on the latter.

Measure once, cut 3 times. Jack is cursing his decision to do an outside railing.

Measure once, cut 3 times. Jack is cursing his decision to do an outside railing.

alien arm

Lady Leisure “helping” by entertaining herself while her husband builds the deck alone.

Lady Leisure likes to point out imperfections

Lady Leisure likes to point out imperfections

Still not spaced evenly.

Still not spaced evenly.

The burnt spot on the lawn from when Jack used a frayed extension cord for his tools.

The burnt spot on the lawn from when Jack used a frayed extension cord for his tools and it caught on fire.

Country-Style Photos in Edmonton

Jack is a major fan of the great outdoors and loves to hunt; he would watch Wild TV every day if he could. When we tied the knot over Easter Weekend, it was practically winter out there still so we needed to find an indoor space for family photos. I approached the team at Cabelas who gave us the ULTIMATE outdoors-men photography experience.  If you’re looking for a venue for wedding photos, make sure to give Cabela’s a call. They have a beautiful fireplace and mantel upon entry and taxidermy throughout the store. The helpful staff were excellent at helping organize prior to the day, redirecting customer traffic during our session, and they gave us fudge to take back to our reception! Brock, one of our Groomsmen, ate an entire box to himself, so I’m sure his new-found belly can vouch for the quality of fudge Cabela’s makes in store.

Here are a couple of photos taken by 5 O’Clock Photography at Cabela’s North Edmonton:

Cabela's North Edmonton Fireplace Mantel

Cabela’s North Edmonton Fireplace Mantel

Cabela's North Edmonton Taxidermy - the hunter in his element.

Cabela’s North Edmonton Taxidermy -That elk is my new buddy!

What the Hell Are You Doing?

Keep your gum out of my face.

KEEP your gum out of my face. Seriously.

“What the hell are you doing?” A phrase I desperately want to utter whenever someone is chewing loudly just to spite me (I’m sure).

On the drive to the Cancun airport after our deadly honeymoon, a man was chewing his gum so provocatively I felt like he was sharing the whole inappropriate experience with me. And he wasn’t even European.

You know what I mean though, right? It is less offensive (or surprising) when an Italian man wears a banana hammock to the beach than if some redneck American struts his stuff in the same attire; although . . .Jack is half Italian and I do not fancy this type of behaviour coming from him.

This type of banana hammock is acceptable.

Acceptable.

redneck speedo

NO.

It’s a matter of cultural norms and if a European man (not a Brit because they are sickeningly polite) were to thoroughly enjoy his gum by smacking his lips – I would be like:

“Okay, this guy’s got an excuse. This is socially acceptable where he’s from.”

But if a Norte Americano sits behind me in a Mexican van and pulls that shit, I’m going to fantasize screaming my lungs out at him because he’s a rude mother-you-know-what and no, I do not appreciate him “gleeking” on the back of my seat – even though only a “little” got in my hair.

Jack chews nicotine gum and he says it makes his throat tickle. He coughs, and coughs, and then makes a sucking/smacking noise with his lips, and finally ends the abuse to my ears and test to my patience with another forceful cough for good measure. If this only happened once or twice in our lifetime it wouldn’t be worth mentioning, but I spend an ungodly amount of time with my husband. So don’t be surprised if over the next few months you hear I have been confined to either a white padded room or a steel cage; witnessed continuously shouting:

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?”

T-Shirt Time!

Sad reference, I know.

Here’s the deal: I want more followers. I NEED more followers. I crave them. In the least weird way possible.That’s where you, “LAUGHERS”, come in handy. Here’s what would be rad for you to do:

1) Head on over to the Lady Leisure Laughs Facebook Page and if you haven’t already done so, “LIKE” that shit.

2) Now, comment on the “T-Shirt Time Contest” post and tell me which Official Lady Leisure Laughs t-shirt design is your favorite.

3) Lastly, kindly “SHARE” the contest post on your personal Facebook page so all your friends can see how generous and hilarious I am.

Once you have done all of these things, you are entered into the Contest for a BRAND NEW Puppy! And by puppy, I mean the Official Lady Leisure Laughs t-shirt of your choosing. It’s just as cuddly and it doesn’t have accidents on your carpet.

Gentlemen . . . I haven’t forgotten about all TWO of you. I will manly-up the shirt design for you if you win.

Now go ahead and enter the draw – you deserve it!

WIN ME - Customized T-shirt with your name on the back!

WIN ME – Customized T-shirt with your name on the back! One of the designs available. 

Back of t-shirt with last name.

Back of t-shirt with last name.

Annoying F’ing Robin

The robin that repeatedly knocks himself silly on our window. ON PURPOSE.

The robin that repeatedly knocks himself silly on our window. ON PURPOSE.

We have a new friend. His name is Annoying F’ing Robin. Each morning and evening (at the crack of dawn and prior to sunset), Annoying F’ing Robin struts up to the basement window well and stares deeply into his own eyes through the reflection of the window. He then proceeds to either peck the SHIT out of the window or fly into it over and over, and OVER again.

When Jack first alerted me of the bird’s presence, I momentarily worried his paranoia had escalated. After a discussion about mental illness and sleep deprivation, even Jack could not confirm the bird existed. This comes from the guy who made me second guess myself on our mother-f’ing HONEYMOON after I was absolutely certain someone had stolen my earrings from our room. He then forced me to report the stolen property to the front desk who assured me they would be tearing our room a new a-hole to look for $18 fake diamond earrings whose disappearance was faked by yours truly -because I want the poor housekeeping staff to get their asses fired. Shut up.

The bird is real, but Jack deserved to second guess himself for the earring incident.

Maybe the bird is bad ass and wants to prove his strength to all the women. Or maybe Annoying F’ing Robin lost his sanity in a window accident and has never recovered. He needs to stop replaying that fateful day in his mind (and in real life) before Jack gets a cat to remedy the problem. And we all know if Jack gets a cat – Jack spends the weekend in the dog house. And if Jack does what he REALLY wants to do with the bird, our neighborhood will be up in arms (or without them) because most people just don’t identify with rednecks.

So my friend, Robin:
Stop being you.

Stop fighting your reflection – you will not win.

And most importantly, stop shitting in my flower beds.

Cozumel: The Amsterdam of Mexico

Coconuts Beach Bar on the "Other Side" of Cozumel.

Coconuts Beach Bar on the “Other Side” of Cozumel.

Cozumel Island is like the Amsterdam of Mexico, albeit a little more aggressive. One of the few enjoyable days on our honeymoon included our day trip to Cozumel. For me, it was special because Jack has come so far from our first trip to Mexico where taking a cab into the closest town to go shopping was a complete nightmare for him. His “every day has the potential to be the zombie apocalypse” attitude (paranoia) results in massive anxiety whenever I mention leaving our cozy resort. This time he was actually pumped to take a ferry ride, rent a car, and hit the road for an ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME!

Okay so it wasn’t that much of an adventure. I almost puked on the ferry ride there. Our second turn out of the car rental place almost ended in us getting t-boned due to a dumb tourist trying to make an illegal U-turn and us (other dumb tourists) trying to turn left onto the main road behind her. Other than that, the most dangerous part of our trip was renting a vehicle from a place called Rentadora Isis.

Jack felt very much in his element driving in Cozumel. In Canadian standards, he’s an effing a-hole to be reckoned with on the highways. But here, aggressive driving behaviour is the norm, and suicide passing tourists – a favorite pass-time.
We drove the main boulevard south and then to the east side of the island where Jack accidentally took the beachfront bike path (in Canadian terms – “service road” or “goat trail”) in the Sentra rental. Several minutes of sheer panic and one roadside bathroom break (with a view) later, we were reunited with the real road. From there, we ate lunch on a cliff at “Coconuts” Beach Bar watching the turquoise waves crash against the rocks. For me, this was the most memorable part of our trip; and my stomach will ALWAYS remember the heat intensity of that delicious pico de gallo!

Jack and I on the highest point in the world. Maybe just the highest point on Cozumel Island.

Jack and I on the highest point in the world. Maybe just the highest point on Cozumel Island.

Because Jack and I have short attention spans (for adults), this was the end of the road for us. We drove back the way we came (minus the goat trail) and visited Playa Corona for a quick Corona on the beach. Like true tourists, we bought our Kaluha and vanilla at the Mega mart on our way to return the car and rushed to the cigar bar by the ferry terminal for a quick goodbye drink (or 3 in Jack’s case) before setting sail to the main land.

Corona at Playa Corona. We are lazy and didn't go - but I hear there is good snorkeling at this beach.

Corona at Playa Corona. We are lazy and didn’t go – but I hear there is good snorkeling at this beach.

You may still be wondering how Cozumel and Amsterdam relate. I have never been to Amsterdam, but have heard that weed (marijuana) is easily obtained over there. Jack and I are not certain, but we are pretty sure we witnessed a top secret “exchange of assets” go down at the ferry pier in Cozumel. This would not be something out of the ordinary if the suspects shouldn’t be arresting themselves (if you know what I mean). And, Jack really hopes you don’t know what I mean because in his mind, it’s a conspiracy. And you can never be too careful.

If you ever get the chance to go to Cozumel, GO! It is one of the most beautiful places I have visited, and the only thing cheaper than the booze (and maybe the mary-jane) is the vanilla!

I’ll Drink to That

Men are proud beings.

They take pride in their work, and bask in the glory of completing a task by standing beside said task and bullshitting about it with their buddies. There have been many times any combination of Jack, my Dad, brother, and brother-in-law have done just that. The project doesn’t have to be lengthy, costly, or even manly to qualify for post-project celebration.

One such instance was the building of our wedding archway. The girls were inside the house getting tipsy on jello shooters prior to the stagette, and the men were hanging out in the Quonset conversing about the most architecturally sound design for the reclaimed barn wood arch. As far as I could tell, this banter lasted approximately two cosmopolitans before the work commenced. In no time, a beautiful piece of art emerged from the darkest shadows of the shed; while the wedding angels shone down from above.

Of course, I did not get to examine the arch until the next day when those cosmopolitans were resurfacing, and the aura around it could have potentially been a migraine.

What I know for absolute certain was the boys drew straws on who had to come pick us up from the stagette and I’m guessing it had to do with one of the following scenarios:

Project Supervisor: “That was hard work. Let’s have a beer.”

Project Co-Supervisor: “Look at how the pieces of wood fit together so perfectly. We deserve a beer”.

Project Co-Co-Supervisor: “We nailed it, now let’s get hammered.”

Boys, I’ll drink to that.

I am in love with our DIY barn wood wedding archway! I'll drink to that!

I am in love with our DIY barn wood wedding archway! I’ll drink to that!