My Kids Don’t Live Here

Someone in our neighborhood pulled a “Claire” (Modern Family reference) and posted large and in charge signs about our choice of driving speed. Here they are:

Give Our Kids a Brake

Give ME a brake.

Yes it is. And I cannot possibly go any more slowly.

Yes it is. And I cannot possibly go any more slowly.

My kids do not live here. I do not have kids. But if I did, I would sure as SHIT- make sure they knew if they EVER played in traffic I would gently slap their hand and take away their iPad.

“No more cyber baking for YOU, missy!”

My God, what have we done with our world and its inhabitants?

If my child were too young to comprehend that the road is a dangerous place, I would put it on an adorable backpack leash and let it get really excited about its bogus freedom. Everyone wins in this situation.

But now, we have these neighbors who MUST let their babies crawl or tweens bike ride on the road by themselves, where there is TRAFFIC! This is the only explanation.

I picture driving up to the offensive signs in my POS Malibu, opening the door and knocking them over. I wouldn’t even do it at night (like they did when they posted them). I want people to witness my outrage.

Just to clarify, the signs are not targeted at me. I drive the speed limit because I was born a goody two shoes, but Jack has been known to charge through the neighborhood at 5AM like a maniac on the odd occasion. Jack was born a shit disturber. However, if your kids are roaming around at that hour, something is deeply wrong.

After the weekend, there is a noticeable bright orange dot of spray paint on one of the signs. By the looks of it, some kid was trying to be a shit disturber (like Jack) and chickened out. If you’re going to vandalize property in this neighborhood, at least finish the job. Don’t be afraid to write something witty either; just get in there and graffiti.

My kids don’t exist, but if they did, they wouldn’t be quitters.

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Asphalt Alligators

I’ve gotten away from the blogging because I actually got a real job and that completely threw off the whole “lady leisure” premise. Even though I get home at the end of the day, make supper, then go to bed at 8:30PM, I’m still cool. I’m leisurely. Here’s a story from when I was definitely still Lady Leisure. . .

When I was a stay-at-home fiance-to-be, I rarely drove. There was no point. I was completely comfortable at home; cooking, cleaning, and inadvertently doing crazy things. But, when I did drive, LOOK OUT.

Maybe one day I will slap a funny angle on my night terrors situation, at which point I will take you on an in-depth journey through something similar to a 1970’s teenage acid trip (and I know you’re excited because the only acid you’re feeling right now is of the reflux variety). For now, I’ll only mention I was on my way to see the Sleep Psychiatrist. Now, I bet you’re thinking all my unfortunate tales happen due to sleep deprivation; I am not certified to refute that statement, but I will anyway. I’m not sleep deprived.

Picture this: a beautiful, sunny, late summer morning. No fog outside or inside the car. I’m going the speed limit or maybe under because even though I’m leisurely, I always obey posted signs and THE LAW. Smile on my face. . . AAANNDD. . .My heart jumps into my throat.

[By the way, Jack of Most Trades (my fiance if you haven’t been following, but I strongly recommend reading up on my previous blog posts) loves that feeling of your heart in your throat. He told me that once when he swerved on a winding road, in the dark on a rainy evening, while I was sleeping in the passenger seat, in order to avoid driving over a skunk. I screamed and clutched my chest, he laughed. He has done this more than once – the time before it was a porcupine.]

PURE ADRENALINE. Nothing like it.

Back to THIS story. We live in Alberta, Canada and reptiles don’t normally roam rampant on our highways. But, I swear to you, there was an alligator on the road! I’ve attached a photo of a similar alligator that I found during a simple Internet search. This is obviously a widespread problem throughout Canada.Image

 

  I hope this will educate the public on the dangers of these animals being on Albertan Highways. Luckily, this one had slithered (scuttled?) it’s way to the shoulder or I would have run it over. I hear the speed behind that jaw snap is nothing less than impressive and their teeth are sharp enough to puncture a tire.

I have come up with a solution for these Asphalt Alligators.

We shall allow them to cross UNDER our roads through culverts. I know the extra fencing and signage will be a huge burden on tax payers, but we aren’t just saving the Asphalt Alligators, we are saving tires and potentially human lives!

Alternatively, maybe I am sleep deprived and this is a photo of part of a tire (most likely off a big rig) and not an alligator at all.

Jack of Most Trades received a text message with this exact photo a few minutes after the incident. I told him anyone could have made this mistake. He would have been scared too. Yeah. Right. Lady Leisure strikes again.

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True North Fast and “Me”

Canada- the true North strong and free. Free to rush about everyday life and strong enough to push everyone else to rush until they snap.     

It is true; we are free from wrongful imprisonment and a corrupt governing body. But, some things have a strong grip on us and they are going to keep on squeezing. That’s right- they are technology and urgent haste. This isn’t meant to be an anti-technology rant, just an indication that I’m starting to open my eyes on my world– OUR world, and it isn’t pretty. 

Being a grassroots Albertan, I haven’t travelled much across Canada, so I can’t speak for  other provinces but if I had to guess I would think they are suffering similar to us. In Alberta, we rely heavily on our natural resources. We thrive on oil production and the more quickly this can be managed, the better. 

If we need to get somewhere, we drive  our jacked up trucks and SUVs. We check our hundreds of daily emails in our trucks on our mini computers that never leave our icy grips. 

We not only push our own limits, but those of the opposing party – the bad guys- the people getting in the way of us achieving our manic, hurried dreams. We tailgate, cyber bully, throw everyone else under the bus, because, it’s about me, me, ME! Not you, that’s ridiculous!

An expression my mother used when I was young often comes to mind, “It’s my way or the highway.” We are now taking this to heart. Pushing our own agendas and doing it today– right this instant. If you don’t like it, tough, and while you’re not liking it, we’re going to call you names. We will reject your opposing or even similar ideas; online and behind some sort of screen. 

Hiding behind a screen is like sticking your tongue out behind the opposition’s back and calling them names inside your head. Except, this never caused harm to the opposition.

Look what technology has done to our communication strategies! It gives us a direct route to express what should be hidden deep in our thoughts. Those receiving the communication have the opportunity to receive it instantly. You’ve guessed it – on their phones! Text messaging, email, Facebook, Twitter, Snap Chat, the list continues to grow. 

If the electromagnetic frequency wasn’t stressing our bodies enough, add the mindless drivel from hurried gamer thumbs.

Today, I urge you to slow down. Turn the ringer off, or maybe even tuck your phone away for a few hours. 

Add another car length between you and the guy in front of you. 

Cyber PRAISE a stranger or a friend. 

Maybe even stick out your tongue in your hand behind someone’s back. 

As long as you are doing something to slow that train down. It will feel good, I promise. 

Follow me, and next time you will find out my hopes and dreams for a much slower and more simple future.