I’ll Drink to That

Men are proud beings.

They take pride in their work, and bask in the glory of completing a task by standing beside said task and bullshitting about it with their buddies. There have been many times any combination of Jack, my Dad, brother, and brother-in-law have done just that. The project doesn’t have to be lengthy, costly, or even manly to qualify for post-project celebration.

One such instance was the building of our wedding archway. The girls were inside the house getting tipsy on jello shooters prior to the stagette, and the men were hanging out in the Quonset conversing about the most architecturally sound design for the reclaimed barn wood arch. As far as I could tell, this banter lasted approximately two cosmopolitans before the work commenced. In no time, a beautiful piece of art emerged from the darkest shadows of the shed; while the wedding angels shone down from above.

Of course, I did not get to examine the arch until the next day when those cosmopolitans were resurfacing, and the aura around it could have potentially been a migraine.

What I know for absolute certain was the boys drew straws on who had to come pick us up from the stagette and I’m guessing it had to do with one of the following scenarios:

Project Supervisor: “That was hard work. Let’s have a beer.”

Project Co-Supervisor: “Look at how the pieces of wood fit together so perfectly. We deserve a beer”.

Project Co-Co-Supervisor: “We nailed it, now let’s get hammered.”

Boys, I’ll drink to that.

I am in love with our DIY barn wood wedding archway! I'll drink to that!

I am in love with our DIY barn wood wedding archway! I’ll drink to that!

Nice Lift Kit

I guess there is such thing as a lift kit for bicycles. Now we know.

I guess there is such thing as a lift kit for bicycles. Now we know.

I don’t know what I did before dry shampoo. I know I couldn’t bear to live without it now. It would be much like living without a cell phone. Or clothes. I start appearing a little greasy, get the aerosol out, chlorin-fluorinate the atmosphere, and I’m good as new. Of course, a woman who uses dry shampoo can spot a fellow dry shampooer from across the room. Her roots look lifted, less greasy, and SLIGHTLY more blonde.

I haven’t had to burden myself with a hair wash this week either, nice one!

So the fellow user and I end up high fiving with our eyes and dropping the subject.

This reminds me of bikers driving past each other on the road while reppin’ the low wave. I’m sure you have seen it before! The gesture looks less like a wave “hello” and more like a hand signal to turn, but the bikers are definitely acknowledging one other. I don’t think I would do well on a motorcycle. Naturally, I would be inclined to “big wave” (the exaggerated wave babies do when they are learning to wave) to every other bike passing by (bicycles included). I believe this is not only socially unacceptable, but it could cause me to lose my balance (which is questionable to begin with). Check out Broken Bicycle Dreams.

Similarly, you gotta KNOW a guy with a lift kit on his truck notices every other lifted truck, but he probably won’t say anything. Because he is jealous or embarrassed that his truck isn’t as big as his neighbor’s or his best buddy’s. Or his truck is bigger and he doesn’t want his buddy to feel bad. Or that they both spent so much money on something that couldn’t be more useless to human kind.

The same goes for hair and dry shampoo (except dry shampoo isn’t useless). Your friend’s hair looks freaking fantastic; even better than yours, and you don’t want to point that out because then you are going to have to have the long, awkward conversation about your “lift kits”. Which one is bigger, works the best, or gives you the most bang for your buck.

Dry shampoo – it’s like a lift kit for your hair.

I should be in advertising.

Redneck Love Letters

The apple of his black eye.

The apple of his black eye.

Jack and I had a fantastic wedding over the weekend with lots of romantic and redneck (at times) moments.

When Jack and I were getting back together, he did a heck of a job courting me. He bought me flowers and Midol when I was “under the weather”, made me some mean breakfasts (he still does this), and wrote me love letters on sticky notes.

Swooon, right?

Here are a few mildly romantic, and 100% redneck love letters I have tucked away. They STILL make me smile.

Profanity warning: I’ve married a sailor.

Redneck love letter 3

Yes, that IS a bow and arrow.

This is the card that accompanied the flowers and Midol. “Just because . . . you’re bitchy and crampy.”

Redneck love letter 5

. . . What the?

Redneck love letter 1

Construction Worker Syndrome: Jack likes to add emphasis with the “F” word

Redneck love letter 6

Never happened.

Redneck love letter 4

Again, I apologize for my husband’s lack of filter. He just really “F’ing” loves me, and I love him too!

Kindergarten-level drawing skills and all.