A Blow WHAT?!

Blow outs happen sometimes, but we all wish they wouldn't.

Blow outs happen sometimes, but we all wish they wouldn’t.

I’ll bet you didn’t really want to read this because you thought it would be dirty. And mostly, you’re right. But, it may not be the kind of dirty that men live for.

That’s right, today we’re talking blow outs. If you’ve never heard of it, you’re lucky. If you think it’s about chemically straightening your hair, then hunny, you’re going to get an awakening from poo hell when you have a kid and realize there’s a whole other world of blow outs out there. And they’re free.

Let’s get one thing straight. I am one of the lucky ones because I am merely a part time Auntie and do not have to bear witness to this on a nonstop basis. I just want to know whey they call them “blow outs”? Is this a technical term? If so, I propose they be called blow ups. As in, all the way up the back.

I am writing this after, in an act of desperation, placing my bare hand on a poo soaked piece of paper towel (the only barrier between me and a poo soaked baby). This was my first experience with one of the more disgusting things in life and it makes me never ever want to experience it again.

I was concentrating on the color of font I should use for my wedding invitations, the biggest problem in the life of a non-parent, when my sister yelled in horror,
“Oh My God. I need some help over here!”

Considering I am a First Aid Instructor and this is similar to what we teach our students to say during an EMERGENCY, I figured I better respond. Instant remorse. I ran to the  living room and clearly remember staring in relative amusement and thinking, “Ohh hooo, this is not my problem.”

According to my sister, it was everyone’s problem,
“Are you just gonna stand there? Do something!”

“OK, we need to take her to the bathtub.”

This is when the paper towel came into play. This is the type of situation they don’t (but should) play out in the Sponge Towel commercials. Forget the fully grown men dressed in sponge pocket costumes, we need to portray a blow out. 98% of parents would instantly switch from Bounty to Sponge Towels. The other two percent are the Dads that gag every time they go to change their baby’s diaper, and they’ve just given up on the diaper change altogether.

We got the crying child to the bathtub and I glanced over and noticed her looking at me and giving me that toothless grin. It kind of made me laugh because, even though she can’t talk yet, I imagined her saying, “I got you guys GOOD!” Everyone knows if you act first and say, “Just kidding” after, no one can be mad.

Good one. Now, be a doll and don’t EVER do it again.

Choose Your Own Adventure – Ridiculous Summer Series

Like the capillaries in the body and the branches of a tree, the possibilities are endless.

Like the capillaries in the body and the branches of a tree, the possibilities are endless.

My ridiculous summer is admittedly over and it’s time to bunker down and whip out a good story or two for my blog maniacs. I think I’ve spoken before about how change ruins lives, specifically mine. Since April, and for much of the Summer, my life became unrecognizable with change. I then made a tough (yet rewarding) decision to bring myself back to where I am today: reunited with the things that mean the most.

In other words, “III’mmm Baaack . . . B!tches”.

Over the Summer I got myself into a few unfortunate, less than ideal situations. These tales could be funny to anyone but me and I would rather not re-live them, but I’ll tell ya what, I’ll curb stomp my dignity just this once. I have a few titles ready; YOU tell ME what you’re digging on reading first:

1. Fountain Foundation

2. How to Babysit an Egg

3. Wipe The Seat for Me, Sir?

4. I’m Dating my “Cousin”

5. Rudy the Mange-foot TameDeer

6. He Said “YES!”

7. Redneck Love Letters

Remember those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books?! No matter which route you chose, it was always a f@cking mess, and then you read the book again choosing different adventures and that was also a disappointment? That’s likely how this will end for you.

Now, GO! Choose your own ridiculous summer adventure, comment below, and the one with the most votes will be thoughtfully written and posted on Friday (I’m anticipating at least 2, maybe 3 votes here, so don’t let me down!)