A few weeks ago, I added another excuse to my long list of why I’d rather not go grocery shopping. If you’re a stay-at-home wife or Mom (or just an unemployed train wreck like me), you have noticed the day crowd frequenting these places is nearing “special” status. If you haven’t noticed this, there are two popular sayings you should keep in mind: “You smelt it, you dealt it” and “There is one in every family (the f@ck up) and if you don’t know who it is, it’s you.” In my case, I know it’s me. It’s totally me. The f@ck up occasionally catches on that they are the f@ck up. They hardly ever let on that they know, however. They could start f@cking shit up in their sleep without blinking an eye.
What I’m trying to say is you’re an honorary member of the special day crowd. You farted and it was so pungent you blamed it on your pet, even though that’s not a pet, but a stuffed deer head. And you’re the one the rest of your jerk family members shake their head at while giving you crooked smiles and useful, logical advice you completely disregard. Hey, it’s OK to be all this. It makes you interesting, complex, and funny. To me.
My new excuse began with me chilling in the produce section of the grocery store. I couldn’t help but overhear a topic a not so worldly couple was loudly discussing.
I started listening when the wife worriedly exclaimed, “Do you remember on the news they were talking about those organic vegetables in Ontario?!”
It is usual for me to become paranoid and worried from the tone of strangers voices.
Matching his wife’s urgency, the husband replied with, “Yeah, I think I remember that!”
“It is here now.”
Now I’m wondering what is here now? I haven’t been watching the news; maybe there is an outbreak of E. coli O:157 due in part to organic spinach. Oh no, I have spinach in my cart. GREAT, I’m going to get E. coli and die. You’re KILLING ME (softly), lady. Finish your conversation so I can stop squeezing these melons and get on with my day.
“Oh, we have organic vegetables here?! How do we know that THIS bag of potatoes and any and all bags of potatoes aren’t organic?”
“I think they have to say organic on the bag.”
Shut up. Not only was that anti-climactic, but now I have to rant in my head for the next 5 minutes about how anti-climactic it really was. And you made me almost crap my pants and apparently I don’t even have E. coli.
“Look lady, I understand this food thing and what we should or should not be putting in our bodies can be a little confusing at times. You obviously just woke up from the 90’s because this “new” organic food concept is present on almost every shelf of the supermarket and has become increasingly popular since you fell asleep. Organic produce is more expensive than the other varieties because they have to follow stricter guidelines to eliminate certain chemicals. I know you’re curious so buy an organic apple and one that is not and perform your own market research. If you need a lesson on reading the food labels on the frozen convenience items crowding your cart, feel free to ask because I know you’re just dying to share the professional knowledge you heard on the news. On another subject: hold on to that husband of yours; he’s just as oblivious as you. And get your kid a tissue.”
I didn’t outright say any of this because I am a kind and normal citizen of society.
We’re in a daze because of the sugar, aspartame, salt, MSG, and just plain shit we’re devouring. You are going to get different advice on fad diets and foods you need to or should never eat from all kinds of a–holes. The only advice you’ll get from this a–hole is there is no secret food potion. That’s the secret. THINK and eat a variety of foods that give you lasting energy and happiness. Eat organic or don’t. Wash your produce before consuming. On second thought, don’t. Do what you want; Survival of the Fittest.